The Lighter Side

Inspiring Music
A minister was wondering how to ask the congregation to come up with more money for repairs to the church.
And he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in. The substitute wanted to know what to play. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”
During the service, the minister said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100, please stand up.”
At that moment, the organist launched a rousing rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner.”

Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50 percent of salary and a company car, say a red Corvette?”
The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Kenny and the Donkey
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. Early in the morning, the farmer drove over to Kenny’s.
“Sorry son,” the farmer said,” the donkey died.”
Kenny asked for his money back, but the farmer said he already spent it.
Kenny said, “OK then, just unload the donkey. I’ll raffle him off.”
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny, who said he sold 500 raffle tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898.”
“Didn’t anyone complain because the donkey was dead?” the farmer asked.
“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back!”

Drive-through confessional
The old priest admitted that the young priest’s ideas had filled the church. Bucket seats in the first four rows keep them filled, and upbeat music brought young people back into the church. But the old priest said he didn’t like the drive-through confessional.
“But, Father,” he protested, “my confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I started that!”
“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, and I appreciate that.
“But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!”

Smart Phone Smart-alecs!

Artificial intelligence turns iPhones and Google Androids into smart alecs.
Siri, the personal assistant on iPhone 4S, lets you use your voice to send messages, schedule meetings, place phone calls and more.
Ask Siri to do things just by talking the way you ordinarily talk, and it understands what you say and mean. It also knows when you’re pulling its leg and talks back.
For all of its virtues, it has attracted more attention for its sassy answers to trick questions. One user commanded, “Beam me up.” The phone responded, “Sorry, Captain, your tricorder is in Airplane Mode.”
Google is in the know about trick questions too. After 13 years of research, some of its super smart engineers have created algorithms able to answer such questions. Ask it the meaning of life,  the universe and everything. It answers “42,” a reference to the favorite geek book “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”
A lot of work has gone into creating the sarcasm.
The Siri group at Apple, one its largest software teams, started with an artificial intelligence project from SRI International. Now, it continually fine tunes Siri responses. It attempts to forge an emotional tie by regularly using the customer’s nickname in responses, as well as those of other important people and places in the customer’s life.
What makes today’s artificial intelligences so much fun isn’t that it can give answers to prescribed questions. Computers have done that for years.
Now, they can carry on conversations about ridiculous topics. There are several answers to the same question on the iPhone and Android.
My father-in-law asked some hilariously outrageous questions, which were in turn answered with hilarious answers!

Quips from Kids…they never get old

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor’s office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.
Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair.
Placing his hand on the man’s, he said, “I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too..”

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin’s six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing.
After mulling over my answers, she remarked, “My mom has some of those, but I don’t think she knows how to use them..”

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful.
“In ten years,” I said, “you’ll want to be with your friends and you won’t go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.”
Carolyn shrugged.
“In ten years you’ll be too old to do all those things anyway.”

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.
One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.
‘No, no, no!’ she screamed.
‘Lizzie,’ scolded her mother, ‘that’s not polite behavior.’
With that, the girl yelled even louder, ‘No, thank you! No, thank you!’

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, ‘Dad, I know babies come from mommies’ tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?’
After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, ‘You don’t have to make up something, Dad. It’s okay if you don’t know the answer.’

Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him.
‘I’m going to be away for a long time,’ I told him. ‘I’m going to Iraq .’
‘Why?’ he asked. ‘Don’t you know there’s a war going on over there?’

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids.
A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn’t know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, “That’s the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you’ve seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?”
Blank stares.
“Well, you’ve probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.”
An eight-year-old girl perked up. ‘How long was he missing?’

New Years Guffaws

You don’t know me…
Trevor’s New Year’s Eve party was an annual occurrence with numerous guests arriving. During the evening, a man knocked on the door, was greeted heartily although no one knew who he was, and was led to where the drinks were, in the kitchen. He sat there happily, chatting away, for a couple of hours before a strange light dawned on his face.
“You know,” he confided to Trevor, “I wasn’t even invited to this party.  I just came over to tell you that some of your guests’ cars are blocking my drive.”
He continued, “My wife’s been sitting out in the car waiting for me to get them moved, so that we can go out.”

A bad dream?
Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year’s Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, ‘I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?’
‘Aha, you’ll know tonight,’ answered Max smiling broadly.
At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package.  Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: ‘The meaning of dreams’.

New Year Pet Resolutions
9. Come to understand that cats are from Venus; dogs are from Mars.
8. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.
7. Hamster: Don’t let them figure out I’m just a rat on steroids, or they’ll flush me!
6. Get a bite in on that freak who gives me that shot every year.
5. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.
4. Cats: Use new living room sofa as scratching post.
3. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock!
January 2nd – December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.
2. The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
1. I will NOT chase the stick until I see it LEAVE THE IDIOT’S HAND

Sitting with Santa



Dogs and Lightbulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Change it yourself! I’m not afraid of the dark…
Doberman: While it’s out, I’ll just take a nap on the couch.
Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?
Australian Shepherd: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle…
Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?
Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs — people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?
Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

The Pope as chauffeur

The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for a while. Well, the chauffeur didn’t have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could go. Well, he gets to about 90 miles per hour and,WHAM! There are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well, the trooper, seeing who it was, says “just a moment please I need to call in.”
The trooper radio’s in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief “I’ve got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do.”
The chief replies “Who is it, not Ted again?”
The trooper says, “No, even more important.”
The chief replies, “It’s the Governor, isn’t it ?”
The trooper replies “No, even more important.”
“It isn’t the President is it?”
“No, more important,” replies the trooper.
“Well, WHO the HECK is it!”, screams the chief.
“I don’t know” says the trooper. “But he’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!”

Santa Snickers

* If you see a fat man who’s jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard and a red flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling and laughing away,
While flying around in a miniature sleigh,
With eight tiny reindeer to pull him along …your eggnog’s too strong.
* The mall Santa Claus was surprised when a young lady walked up and sat on his lap, smiling nicely.
Although he had never taken a request from an adult, he asked, “And what do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas?”
“Something for my mother, please,” the young lady said.
“Something for your mother? That’s very thoughtful of you.”
The Santa smiled. “What do you want me to bring her?”
Without blinking, she replied, “A son-in-law!”
* According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summertime, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers until after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa’s reindeer, every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a female.
We should’ve known. Only women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
* Maria went to the post office to buy stamps for her holiday cards. “What denomination?” the clerk asked.
“Good heavens! Have we come to this now?” she said. “Well, give me 30 Methodist and 30 Baptist ones.”
* Christmas is weird. What other time of the year do we sit in front of a dead tree in our living room and eat candy and snacks out of our socks?
* Q: Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
* Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
* Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.

Optimist vs. Pessimist

Optimist vs. Pessimist
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on Christmas their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.” answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. “What are you so happy about?” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”

Animal Ha-Ha’s

Animal Super Bowl
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”
“I did,” said the centipede.
“Who stopped the rhino?”
“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.
“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”
“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.
“So where were you during the first half?” demanded the coach.
“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”
An Atheist
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring all that evolution had created. “What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
“OH MY GOD! …”
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving …
As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around…
“YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON’T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A BELIEVER?”
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, “It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?”
“VERY WELL.” Said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
… and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive.

Next Page »