The Lighter Side

Inspiring Music
A minister was wondering how to ask the congregation to come up with more money for repairs to the church.
And he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in. The substitute wanted to know what to play. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”
During the service, the minister said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100, please stand up.”
At that moment, the organist launched a rousing rendition of “The Star Spangled Banner.”

Job Interview
Reaching the end of a job interview, the HR person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, “And what starting salary were you looking for?”
The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50 percent of salary and a company car, say a red Corvette?”
The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Kenny and the Donkey
A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. Early in the morning, the farmer drove over to Kenny’s.
“Sorry son,” the farmer said,” the donkey died.”
Kenny asked for his money back, but the farmer said he already spent it.
Kenny said, “OK then, just unload the donkey. I’ll raffle him off.”
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny, who said he sold 500 raffle tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898.”
“Didn’t anyone complain because the donkey was dead?” the farmer asked.
“Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back!”

Drive-through confessional
The old priest admitted that the young priest’s ideas had filled the church. Bucket seats in the first four rows keep them filled, and upbeat music brought young people back into the church. But the old priest said he didn’t like the drive-through confessional.
“But, Father,” he protested, “my confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I started that!”
“Yes,” replied the elderly priest, and I appreciate that.
“But the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!”

The Lighter Side

MILK MONEY
An art connoisseur passed a little grocery in New York when he noticed a kitten on the front step lapping up some milk in a bowl.
The cat was mangy with one ear half chewed off and clumps of fur missing. What really caught the collectors eye was the bowl the kitten was drinking from. It was a rare antique worth thousands.
He walks in the store and offers $20.00 for the cat.
“He’s not for sale.” Says the store owner.
“That’s ridiculous!” Says the collector.
“He is one of the ugliest cats I’ve seen. He must be for sale. I’ll give you $100.00 for him.”
The store owner thought for a second and said “It’s a deal.”
The connoisseur hands the store owner the money, which he quickly pockets, and as he starts out the store asks, “For that price I’m sure you wont mind sending that old bowl with him. He seems so happy drinking from it.”
The store owner says “No way. That’s my lucky bowl. From that bowl I’ve sold 26 cats this week!”

LAST RESPECTS
At a motivational seminar 3 men are asked to come up to the stage.
They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say…… LOOK!!! HE’S MOVING!!!!!”

The Lighter Side

Happiness is:
–Getting a driver’s license photo that doesn’t make you look like you’ve passed away.
–Your mother-in-law developing an allergy to something in your house.
–Being audited by the IRS and finding they owe you money.
–Turning the lights off on an unattended car.
–Picking up a piece of trash from a neighbor’s lawn just to be nice.
–Helping a little old lady across the street.
Cynic’s note: Forget the fact that you could be arrested for auto theft when turning off the car lights; or for trespassing when picking up the trash, or for attempted assault when taking the old lady’s arm. Condensed from Dr. Burns’ Prescription For Happiness (GP Putnam), by George Burns.

Holy Golf
Jesus, Moses, and another guy are standing on the tee of a water hazard. Jesus hits the ball and hooks it into the water. Moses tees up and also hooks it into the water. The third guy hits as a big gust of wind comes up and blows his ball into the water as well.
Moses walks up to the water with his sand wedge. The water parts and he hits it onto the fairway.
Jesus walks onto the water, the ball rises to the top. He takes his 5 iron and hits it onto the green.
The third guy stands there a moment, then an eagle dives down, grabs his ball, carries it to the green, and drops it into the hole.
Moses turns to Jesus and says, “This is the last time we play with your dad.”

Speeding
A cop stopped this kid for speeding and told him, “I’ve been waiting for you all day!”
“Yeah?” the kid replied,” I got here as fast as I could.”
When he stopped laughing, the cop let him go.

Out of the Mouths…
A woman was trying to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
“It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

A Sense of Humor
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d pour it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine and whiskey, I’d pour them into the river.”
When the sermon was finished, the song leader stood up cautiously and announced, “For our closing song, go to Hymn #26, Shall We Gather at the River.”

The Lighter Side

The Shredder
A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 p.m., he sees the big boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.
“Do you know how to work this thing?” the older man asks. “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”
“Yes, sir,” says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper and feeds it in.
“OK!” says the boss, “I just need the one copy.”

The Burglar
The burglar broke into a house one night. Just as he was shining his flashlight around, he heard, “Jesus is watching you.”
Nearly jumping out of his skin, he waited a bit. But just as he was pulling the wires from the electronics, he again heard, “Jesus is watching you.”
His flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed.
“Yep,” the parrot confessed, then squawked, “Just trying to warn you that he is watching you.”
“Who do you think you are?” the burglar chided.
“Moses,” replied the parrot.
“Moses?” the burglar laughed. “What kind of people would name a bird Moses?”
“The same kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus!”

Aspirin
A young man walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?”
“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.
“That’s it! I can never remember that word!”

Hollywood
It’s a big party and all the stars are there: Demi, Ashton, Brad, etc. Mick Jagger decides to hit on Kate Moss, but she turns him down flat.
Yes, a Rolling Stone gathers no Moss!

The Lighter Side

Don’t Mess with Old People
Old George was getting ready for bed when he saw that a light in the shed was on. When he opened the back door, he could see people stealing things.
He called the police who told him they were busy and just to stay in the house until an officer was available.
George hung up and waited a minute. He called back and said there was no hurry because he just shot them all.
Within minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks and an ambulance showed up. The police caught the burglars.
One policeman called out, “I thought you said you shot them all!”
George called back, “I thought you said nobody was available!
The Human Race
A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race appear?”
The mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so all mankind was made.”
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.”

The Lighter Side – November 2010

Goony Bird

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband’s attention, he’d just shrug her off with some bored comment.
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The Lighter Side – October 2010

Happiness is:

–Getting a driver’s license photo that doesn’t make you look like you’ve passed away.
–Your mother-in-law developing an allergy to something in your house.
–Being audited by the IRS and finding they owe you money.
–Turning the lights off on an unattended car.
–Picking up a piece of trash from a neighbor’s lawn just to be nice.
–Helping a little old lady across the street.
Cynic’s note: Forget the fact that you could be arrested for auto theft when turning off the car lights; or for trespassing when picking up the trash, or for attempted assault when taking the old lady’s arm.
Condensed from Dr. Burns’ Prescription For Happiness (GP Putnam), by George Burns.
Read more

The Lighter Side

The Shredder

A young executive is working late one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8 p.m., he sees the big boss standing by the shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

“Do you know how to work this thing?” the older man asks. “My secretary’s gone home and I don’t know how to run it.”

“Yes, sir,” says the young executive, who turns on the machine, takes the paper and feeds it in.
Read more

The lighter side

Don’t mess with old people

Old George was getting ready for bed when he saw that a light in the shed was on. When he opened the back door, he could see people stealing things.
Read more

The Lighter Side

There was a big pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled a bucket with nuts and sat under the tree to divide them. Several dropped and rolled toward the fence.

Another boy, riding by on his bike,  heard voices and stopped. He heard, “One for you, one for me.”
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