The Lighter Side

Gate to heaven

A minister dies and is in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy in sunglasses, a loud shirt, and jeans.

The guy says, “I’m Joseph O’Neill, taxi-driver in Noo Yawk City.”

Saint Peter smiles and says. “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

Then the minister stands erect and booms out, “I am Michael Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.” Saint Peter consults his list.

He says, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter.”

“Just a minute!” says the minister. “That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

Saint Peter says, “Up here, we work by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed.”

The Tardy Bagpiper’s story

As a bagpiper, I was asked to play at a graveside service for a man who had no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a new cemetery in the countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. I became lost and finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I assured the workers that this was the proper thing to do. They gathered around and I played out my heart and soul. They began to weep and I played like I’d never played before.

As I went to my car, I overheard one of the workers say, “Man, I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been puttin’ in septic tanks for 20 years.”

Denominations

Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

“What denomination?” asked the clerk.

“Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?” said Maria, “Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Lutheran ones please.”

Christmas Shepherd

One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

“Look at that,” remarked Peter to Joe, “That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!”